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Oct. 20th, 2007 | 03:55 am
mood: tiredtired

I'm so fucking tired. I'm having fun at my job, still looking for a place to live. I think that the apartment I found a block from mom and dad's may be the one seeing as they allow pets, it's in my price range, and it's two bedroom. Now the question is, is it run down and shitty? Probably not if the apartments are always rented out, but then again I'm waiting for the catch. I probably won't be able to play guitar or record any music either. Ugh, I'll just have to go to a friend's house or something.

The apartment I originally wanted is a no go. They were asking a two hundred deposit for pets (equaling $600) FUCK THAT. Those are nice apartments, but that's fucking ridiculous. I can't wait until I see the one I'm considering right now.

I'll write more later and try to catch up on everyone else on here :)

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bitches and house hunting.

Oct. 17th, 2007 | 03:40 am
mood: bitchybitchy
music: shit

I wrote the ultimate metal blog on Myspace only for it to be ripped to shreds by this 16 year old bitch who doesn't even listen to metal. I cover my thoughts on a few things and sexism in the genre is one of them. She picks that to counter me with, taking everything I say out of context. Just shut the fuck up if you have no idea what you're talking about. She tells me she's tired of all chick bands who are pissed for no reason and scream about getting raped. uh...isn't getting raped a reason to be pissed? She tells me to get over sexism? This little bitch hasn't even been in the real world yet, she doesn't even know what that fucking word means. Jesus this really lit a fire under my ass. What a little cunt. The great thing about this is it's inspiring me to write new songs for my old Red Harlow project I had when I was 14. I know metal isn't for everyone and I know black metal isn't, but don't come to a metal blog and tell me you don't like it because it sounds like throat cancer. Fuck you. What's Courtney Love on Pretty on the Inside? Then her retort to that is she hates L7, Babes in Toyland and doesn't really know why she likes Hole. It's like talking to a goddamn wall. Why did she step in? Bitch fucking pissed me the fuck off.
If you really care (which is whatever)

Other than all this, nothing special is happening other than I wrote a new song for Wolfhollow. Wonder if it will be recorded anytime soon?

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Oct. 15th, 2007 | 04:11 am
mood: tiredtired

I'm so tired. I don't even know if I'm working today or not. If so, cool. I'm so happy to be back home, and happy with my new/old job. It was something that I missed and wanted back and now I have it. I'm away from the bullshit and I'm so happy.

I've been visiting friends here and there and I plan on visiting more as soon as my schedule comes in from work. I'm taking all the hours I can get. The other night was the first time I worked an 8 hour shift in 5 months and it wore me the fuck out. I slept from 4 a.m. to 2 p.m. and wanted to nap around 8 p.m. JESUS!! I'm sore, but it's great. I'm getting everything back the way it should be and back to being comfortable.

I want to give up music, but I just can't. The label is falling through. Cyosis is splitting and they probably aren't interested in releasing their demo anymore because of it. I need to get in contact with more people, but I'm so tired. Tired.

I'm rambling because I'm tired. I should sleep. Be back to write more when I can :)

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Back to the BBV

Oct. 13th, 2007 | 03:14 am
mood: ecstaticecstatic

I am employed again FINALLY :)
I will once again be Blockbuster Babe. I am so happy. I'll be working with a couple of friends again and it's a job without it being a job. The thing is, I'm going to be jumping between two stores. One here in town and one 20-30 miles out of town, but I don't mind at all. I may see some of my family at this one. Anyway, I'll be fucking tired from moving and working pretty much full time, but I don't care. I want it and need it. I'm fucking ecstatic.

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Oct. 11th, 2007 | 02:16 am
mood: excitedexcited
music: carpathian forest

So, I'm in Kentucky now. Missing my cats, missing my music and gearing up for my job-hunting:)
I need to take care of my ungodly bills. I'm glad though because I'm the type of person who needs to work or else cabin fever ensues. Hell, I'm hoping to find two jobs. We'll see what happens.

I just got back from an outing with wifey. It was a typical night for us meaning we drove around, dodged people we hate at Wal-Mart, getting junk food, and sitting in an empty parking lot eating and talking about "deep" shit. I plan on catching up with a lot of my friends while I'm in, but still the main focus is on a job.

I'm every emotion right now which, within itself, is good and bad. Good, because I know I'm heading down a much needed path. I'm currently between stressed and excited and writing some new music. I'm glad this is happening, but I'll be happier when it's all settled.

On a random side note, why is Myspace so stupid? I mean, I know it's Myspace and everything, but goddamn. I know I'm too young to be so cynical. Oh well, I hate how people act on there.
Also, I think I'm getting a cold. My throat hurts.


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Wicked Woods and my "Single White Female"

Oct. 3rd, 2007 | 07:21 pm
mood: optimisticoptimistic

The trip to Kentucky was awesome. I didn't get to visit as many people as I wanted because I had a weird headache for two straight days, leaving me tired and not wanting to get out in the fucking sun. I did, however, make it to Witchcraft Rd. near "Wicked Woods" and the lyrics came to me in the car for the song of the same name, plus I was smoking good pot which is always great for inspiration. There were some kick ass mists, weird smells of death, lots of wild animals running around and strange feelings of dread. Not that I truly believe in phenomena, but it's amazing how this place and "Hell's Half Acre" make me feel. The cool thing is the song is almost ready which means the album is almost done and then I can start on the second Wolfhollow album, "Nameless Grave". Before I start on that album though I plan on getting a new keyboard, and I need a bass so I can do my own bass tracks. Vocals, I have found, are some weird lil workings. I may have 5 octaves, but sometimes I can't find certain tones or patterns that I am pleased with. I'm currently working on "Tenebrarum" for "Nameless Grave" and so far, so good. I'm just afraid somethings not going to gel when I go to record it. I need to quit being so hard on myself. Death metal growls on a black metal album? I can pull it off. Come on, I'm a chick whose growl is pretty deep and almost as crazy as Glen Benton's from Deicide, or maybe even Carcass' vox:)

Oh, and I'm dealing with a "single white female". Never met her except for Myspace and she's doing things that I do and it's frustrating. She said she "wasn't like other chicks" HA! So far that's all I've seen is how she wants to be me, like she is living vicariously through me. UGH! Dude, why me? Why do girls do this to me? I think I find someone cool and then they're like everyone else. I'm kind of cool, but Jesus Christ impress me by not emulating me. Sickening. I try not to compete because why waste my life. You can't help it though. It's like, in human nature to compete or "take on" certain aspects of people. But, goddamn do you HAVE to be fucking obvious? I don't know. Maybe girls see that I'm not the typical chick and admire that and compliment me by mirroring me. Either way, it's unnerving.

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"Darkness consumes where nothing exists"

Sep. 25th, 2007 | 06:00 am
mood: drunkdrunk

I'm fucking proud of myself. I finally have a song with vocals. And I'm happy with it. What I was striving for was not to sound like myself and I've achieved that. Hell, I don't even sound human. I'm fucking ecstatic. I just uploaded the song on Myspace. If you guys wanna head over there "The Desolate One" and "Lachrymarum" are mine.
I think I'm gonna put up my Red Harlow stuff, too. Just transferred it from tape to MP3's. Soon, I want a better keyboard and I need a bass guitar so I can do all of my own tracks without this lefthanded bass. I am sure to have the album ready by the end of this week, and then I'll start on "Nameless Grave" (2nd album). I already have 3 songs with lyrics and a couple of instrumentals. I really feel like I've accomplished something and I can further myself in the band. I think I'll bring a "fuck you" to all these guys who say metal isn't for chicks. I do it better than all these bands. We made it on the Metal Archives website (how fucking droll). I don't care. It's for me. I'm on such a natural high right now. I couldn't sleep I was so wired.

Kentucky this weekend. Hope everyone is in a good mood this time, and last I heard my parents just assume hang themselves, blugh. So, it's time for Jamie and I to drive old country roads, and time for me to get inspired. More music to come.


Too bad all this music can't just be MINE! It's me anyway making this band. Fuck...

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Misanthropic and Depressed

Sep. 22nd, 2007 | 10:41 pm
mood: sleepysleepy
music: Vital Remains "Dawn of the Apocalypse"

I'm going through the worst thing a writer can go through and that's regret. I must refuse myself of compromising myself to save a few feelings from being hurt. Hell, my feelings are always hurt and I put up with it. Time for me to be a selfish bitch and stand behind my words.

A quick rundown of geeky, random shit:
~ I'm hopefully getting a kickass new pair of glasses.
~ Just ate a huge plate of salsa and nachos. It's a rad day.
~ I'm looking forward to next weekend. Mom and Dad are coming up and I'm planning on taking them around Chicago. Mom's cookin' and we're gonna watch some kick ass flicks.
~ I'm shooting for the album to be done on Halloween. I have vocals to do and a couple of guitar tracks. I can't fucking wait to get a bass though; playing a lefty sucks. Oh well, x-mas is coming even though I hate the motherfucking holiday.
~ This week I plan on going to a couple of places I applied online and letting them know I exist because I want a job and need to eat :)
~ doucher's friend Mary Ann wanted to hang out with me several times and I gave her my number, but she's never called. I message her on Myspace and she never responds. I think she's scared of me? Even though she puts up the front that she's a "badass bitch". I should've known better than to agree with a female 18 years of age, and who apparently doesn't know shit about shit, piss, or dick. I guess when she finally decides she has time for me, I'll be busy. I thought she was cool, but everything I post on Myspace she posts the same thing 20 seconds later. She wants to be me yet doesn't want to meet me face-to-face. Classic.
~ What is with these people here, there and everywhere who say, "If you don't talk to me, I'll delete you from my list." and yet they never talk to you and/or they're a total fucking loser. The lovely world of double standards and obvious hypocrisy.
~ Lastly, I've found the people in this town and surrounding towns to be slightly off kilter. My reasoning behind this is when I try to make small talk at the store or make a witty remark about something whoever is on the other end automatically looks at me as if I had five faces on my head. They have no concept of a sense of humor and I think that this place holds high standards because everyone that lives here are rich assholes. Frankly I'm bored, dear. I just miss the routine of work and a few of the guys there. Chicago is great...FOR VISITING!

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Truth Be Known

Sep. 20th, 2007 | 08:13 am

I'm not fishing for compliments and I'm not trying to play "the victim", but some things have been pissing me off and/or getting on my last fucking nerve. First off, I'm tired of being underestimated. I'm tired of a lot of people making me feel useless because I don't have a degree. No one has to say anything, they can just elude to it. One of my "friends", who I will no longer talk to because she's fucked her second chance up, tells me that she was impressed with words I used because she thought I wouldn't have known what they meant. Okay, fuck her. Gone. One less person I have in my life. Next.

Back to the degree thing. Almost everyone I know has a degree and is "going somewhere" in life. My mom, most of my friends, most of my family and this idiot-I-know have degrees. Okay, I dropped out of college to make money so that I could support myself. Am I proud of that? In most ways, yes. I wasn't ready for college at the time. I had just got out of my shitty fucking teen years which were desolate and painful. I was ready for fun. Hell, all I did in my high school years was work for my homeschooling and studying for my GED. I skipped 2 grades and I was done. That's what you get folks when you're a victim of PTSD and agoraphobia. Needless to say when that shit was over and I had a kick ass job that I loved, college wasn't on my mind. It also wasn't on my mind when I lost that job and went through a series of crap jobs to make a living with my boyfriend at the time who I lived with and who spent a lot of my money. Now that 6 year period is up, college is on my mind. But, really what's the fucking point? To make me smarter? With all due respect, I know a lot of people who have degrees that I'm not sure how they got them. I like to study and do work and I'd love to dive into some intense English and psychology classes, but I'm better at doing that shit on my own. I'm fiercely independent even when it comes to this stuff. I guess that's the downfall of homeschooling.

Also, why would I want a degree in terms of making "better money" when I fucking hate money? Why would I want in abundance something that makes me angry?
I think people get degrees either: A) because of their parents B) because they want something to make them feel superior C) because they love to be important and have to have a high ranking in whatever career they choose. I couldn't give a shit. "You're nothing without a degree." Yeah, I'll keep that in mind when you're laying somewhere in dire need of my help.

I also think of Logan Miller, a loser from middle school, and what he said to me when he came into Movie Gallery when I was working there. He tells me, and I paraphrase, "Yeah, I'm going off to college this fall. I don't want to be stuck in a dead-end job like...well, like this place." This quote followed by a smirk and him nonchalantly walking out the door. So, I have two conclusions why people stomp on me and treat me like shit on this subject. First is, people see how intelligent I am and don't understand why I'm not "furthering myself", or they don't take the time to know me and they just hate me right off the bat like everyone has always done me. Either way, I'm tired of the abuse.

Speaking of abuse, this is the shit that has fucked me up in life. I can't complain about my childhood as far as my home life. I had loving parents and I never went hungry, but as far as school went it was brutal. I was somewhat poor and wore my brothers hand-me-downs (by choice, mind you), and I've worn glasses since second grade. I was always smarter than the other kids and most of the time had my nose in a book. I know everyone gets picked on in school, but some people find it hard to believe that I was called fat, ugly, poor, stupid, etc. I wasn't lucky living in a white picket fence town. I, on the other hand, heard non-stop verbal abuse all fucking day. When you get pummeled with this shit in your formative years it has a lot to do with what kind of person you grow into. So glad for homeschooling because when high school came I was done. I know the world doesn't revolve around me and didn't then, but I'd like to think that people remembered the good things about me when I faded into oblivion. I don't see that this was possible due to the fact that the guys that raped me went to this school and I'm sure they slandered me. Besides, my friends were their friends and I'm sure since I was nowhere around they agreed with their bullshit just to keep peace. Why I've forgiven some of these people is beyond me, but I know for a fact that my own best friend at the time wasn't sticking up for me. Why? Why me? Honestly what the HELL have I done for people to hate me? I could understand if I were a conniving bitch and did mean things, but all I ever did was give and give.

I hate life sometimes. I really do. But, I win because most days I love it because I love who I am. I'm a great person and there is no way anyone could argue.

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Sep. 15th, 2007 | 04:20 am
mood: indescribableindescribable

friendless. in a time of need.
i don't wanna hear what they say about me.
beaten and raped.
left for dead.
no love for me.
madness spirals in my head.
seen as a quitter.
labeled as a loser.
they don't know.
they'll never know.
they don't wanna listen.
so, they'll never know.

my mind; fragile baby bird.
my heart; broken like bones.
my eyes; flood my face.
my mouth; smiles no more.
my soul; empty. hollow. weak. drained. bled. void. abyss.

precocious, yet lost.
unknown emotions and known logic don't have to mean friendship.
wide open wounds.
sewn shut soon.
time will tell.
only time can tell.
if i can move on.
rise above this hell.
wasted tears.
wasted years.

so, fuck you all.
keep laughing in my head.
the laughter in my head.
living there till i'm dead.
i'm beyond you now.
i'm beyond my own expectations.
i rose above it all.
and i'm above you now.
i'm looking down on you now.
watching you eat your words.
watching you eat your actions.
kiss my divinity.
touch my exquisiteness.
my allure.
my pulchritude where it once wasn't.
this is why i'm able to forgive.

but, why?

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